20

I am 20 and tired.
Most days I go to work wishing to be fired.
I thought by now I'd have it all, thought life would be exciting, thought the world would be small.
But everyday I open my eyes to the clock
And wish I were someplace else.
I know about enjoying the now...
And I do. Really I do.
I know that I'm still young and need to stay in school and stay grounded an keep my jobs and not spend so much money and find a guy who wears suitesandput makeupon andiknowthis I knowthis but it can feel so wrong.
Can't help but think that now is the time for the appalacian trail
By the time I have the money I'll be too frail my zest may fail..
I want Hawaii while I've got this body
Not when I retire, not when the color has left my cheeks.
What if the Georgia peach doesn't taste as sweet after years of wanting air beneath my feet?
I want to start a revival so that I may be revived.
I wish not to be 20 and tired,
But 20 and alive.

Refresh, re-energize, re-do. My new beginning documented.

This is not a new years resolution, though a resolution it may be. Lately life has been, dull to say the least. I am no longer connected with myself. Who am I? Who was I born to be? Who do I want to become? I am no longer in tune with God... How did it all happen? Over the course of this year I've focused on lesser things in life, kept myself preoccupied with daily to do's and I am feeling so unbalanced now, my yin is off, my yang is gone. Peace, has not come to comfort me in a while, my happiness, that is so unfailing seems to be less. It's still there yes, but in a duller, more muted form.
So I began a few weeks ago, thinking back to times when I felt balanced... When I was one with God. Yes. When I ate healthier. Yes. When I didn't smoke so much pot. Yes. When I wrote poetry. Yes! When I cared about how I spent my money. Yes. When I did yoga. Yes. When I said yes more than I said no. Yes!!
I'm really tired of the up and down. I want to get back on board with who I am again, an this time not be so easily thrown off. For when the waves of dillision hit me hard, I want to hit them back. I want to ride the tide. I want to be the commander of the sea.
Retrospect. It is a beautiful thing.
So this leaves me here, in the now. The beginning of the road. It's mid august, today is nothing special unless I make it something special. Today I start my journey on The road to spiritual, emotional, physical, financial, and intellectual peace. I am going to focus on regaining my life and happiness back. I am ready to fulfill my mission on this earth, ready to change, and ready to experience life at it's full capacity. I want things to be different from
now on. I dont want to gain everything just to lose it all again... This time i have to move past the bull shit for good, its time to be a woman. I hope I'm strong enough.

More like a woman, less like a child

It was one of those mornings.
The kind that catches you off guard.
The kind that makes you realize that no other morning will ever be the same
After this one.

Because
It was one of those mornings
That you gawked in disbelief at the face in the mirror.
And then realized it was your own.

You are a woman now.

Monday

You woke up late for work,
ran to your car and realized..
Oh no.
You forgot to brush your teeth.
Too bad, the seconds are ticking closer together now.
Shove a piece of gum in your mouth.
You gun it.

The sun glares down and you glare back, and the phone starts ringing.
It keeps on, that incessant tune.
Remember what the chiropractor said about
Clenching the steering wheel not your teeth.
It's that guy your in love with.
Great.
But As round one of the fight commences,
As you press the pad of your foot to that pedal
With more and more violence,
Something makes you stop mid-scream.

There are blue and red lights reflecting in your rear view mirror.
And you know then,
The government is going to screw you too.

The Great Pretender

Only 47 more days until adulthood. It's looming over me like some huge storm cloud in the distance. June 7th I turn 20, officially ending my "teen" years, and I must say I'm not too happy about this. I never thought I'd actually be TWENTY years old. Just like I don't think I'll ever actually be 30, or 50 or anything else than a kid. Until now I've simply pushed the thought out of my head, pretended it would never come. Time would not catch up to me. Last year I was mad about turning 19 because lets face it, 18 IS the perfect age. Your old enough to do adult things, yet young enough to get away with being a stupid, irresponsible kid. By the time 30 rolls around I will want my birthday to go unnoticed COMPLETELY. But I feel that one thing from my childhood will never change, however old I may be, and that is that I will still pretend. When I was a kid I would pretend to be an adult. When I turned 16 I pretended to be 18. At 18 I pretended to be 16. And now, with 47 days until I turn 20, I am pretending that storm cloud will simply blow away, and cease to rain on my charade.

Celebrating 20 years of life this summer :]

Alright so I usually never just "post" a thought that isn't part of some poem or essay but I figured, hey, I'm bored to tears at work and I have some things I'd like to just merely say, without the worries of rhyme and delicacy.
   So this summer is going to be INSANE. I'll be working two jobs like I am now, taking just one class (thank goodness) and going on vacations!!!  I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I will be going, on my BIRTHDAY to Bonnaroo, the 4 day music fest in TENNESSEE (My favorite place in the whole wide world :]) with all my closest friends. This is going to be an 8 day adventure, and I MEAN adventure in the foothills of the deep south. I plan on going swimming in a river and dancing to some bluegrass with no shoes on, and we will come back on my besties BIRTHDAY. So pictures and poetry will be coming up soon after this crazy awesome trip that has been conveniently sandwiched between two birthdays.. One month after I get back me and the family are heading to San Antonio for a weekend family get away at a resort and the last one we went on last summer was an experience to remember so I'm really excited to get to spend some good quality time with the ones I love the most. THEN, the day after I get back from that, my best friend is getting married!! OMG she's tyeing the knot. I'm super happy for her and her awesome fiance Tim. They are the best. But damn, life goes by way too fast, I suppose there is a small part of me thats sad...but don't worry it's very very small. Then Tiffany my other good friend is getting married, then my best friend from NM, then my friend Melissa. And I don't even have a shadow of a significant other lol!! Its awesome.
   And there's my summer schedule... can't wait to embark already!!!!

Put a sea shell to your ear

I've died trying to ride a wave far too steep,
But nobody really cares to see these waters run deep.
So goodnight sea of faces, I'm turning out the lights.
I'm closing my eyes and relinquishing this fight
Want to find out how it feels to be quenched of breath?
Ask a woman caught in the blue cascade of death.

His name was Ryan

Came outside and saw him there
With dark brown skin and dark brown hair.

Strumming on his guitar he smiled at me
So I shook his hand and took a seat.

Early in the morning the sky was gray
But we found the sunshine in the middle of the day.

With a few kind words and a genuine smile,
"That mans got soul," I thought. "And a teaspoon of style!"

Then the music moved from his strings to his heart
And I knew without a doubt a jive would start.

So I flowed with his beat and let it in my heart too,
Then out came the words of a song I already knew.

He was buying the stairway to Heaven I could see it in his eyes
And when he stopped playing he told me to cut all my ties.

But the time was running out and with a reluctant stare,
I said "you should stop trying to buy that stairway, your already there."

Then I got into my car and left him in the sun
And wished that all my advances in society would just
Come UNDONE. 

Imagine

Close your eyes.
Pretend your not sitting
Slumped over, eyes glazed and slightly hazed.
Pretend your not doing things you never
Wanted to do.
Stop taking those notes.
Stop listening to her ramble lifelessly.
Tune into yourself...

Ne te quaesiveris extra

Imagine a world...
Where one never does what one does not want to do.
Where every moment lives up to exactly what it's meant to be;
A world where we never leave the Garden.
A world that bows with ecstasy and rejoices in life
And that, in the afterglow of love, never once gives a reason to depart.
Drift to that place, when you can.. when you need to.
You know you've only got a while though
And now you must leave.

Now lust and anger and loss will slip themselves
Into that world, through cracks you'll never see
And you will open your eyes
Not to pillows of lavender but to
Reality.
And you will forget that place until something or someone
Gives you a reason to visit again.

But don't fret over this.
The world you have imagined will remain
That way, still framed and timeless.
And what is real will be felt and not thought
And when you one day go back to that perfection,
And warm thoughts overcome you
You will be awed.
Not because it is beautiful,
But because of all the times you spent in the cold.

I've Got a Feeling

Feeling a little disconnected with God
Feeling a little too connected with the clock.
Feeling Your presence tonight helped me forget
Feeling alone.

Feeling around in the dark until I find myself
Feeling something real.
Feeling the distance between the two is like the
Feeling of waking up afraid.

Feeling like I've got a
Feeling that there's something out there beyond
Feeling empty inside.
Feeling compelled to tell the truth while
Feeling the weight of a lie, makes it hard to feel  much of anything, yet
Feeling my way around the dark is the only way to recognize the
Feeling of Your light.