The Meadow

I went to a meadow once
And within it found a fallen tree.
I went to a meadow once
And within it found a fallen me.

Motionless

The burdens I bear, I call by name
Embellished in loss
Clothed in shame:
Lust
Addiction
Anger
Despair
Eyes wide open to the future
But with an empty stare.
The life I lead reaps self perpetuating pain
I've strayed so far from whence I came
A slave I am and shall remain.

Put a sea shell to your ear

I've died trying to ride a wave far too steep,
But nobody really cares to see these waters run deep.
So goodnight sea of faces, I'm turning out the lights.
I'm closing my eyes and relinquishing this fight
Want to find out how it feels to be quenched of breath?
Ask a woman caught in the blue cascade of death.

Visitor in the sheets

God, I hope I'm okay.
Because I'm wincing in my sheets right now
Wondering why
It's so cold and how
Loneliness crept its way into
The bed with me and if when
I fall asleep tonight the dream scape
Will reveal all the times I tried
To keep it out.

Childhood Slips Away

My dear, you are slipping slipping slipping out of my hands.
I cannot stand this incessant dripping dripping dripping, won't you hear my demands?!
I catch a drop only to watch it fall once more,
But I will not stop trying, the last morsel is worth fighting for!
Long ago you cradled me at night with the sounds of your lullaby
Larger than the ocean at one time, your waves would wash my freckled face as I cried

Yet you leave this world in a single drop, with only my tears by your side.

Who will sing to me when I am lonely?
Who will wash away my sorrow when the world is gray?
Please don't leave me dear, stop this awful decay!
When you are gone completely, part of me will die too.
The years must've passed by me unnoticed, it seems your departure is far too soon.
And then I look down at you through watery eyes, again to find
That one last tear shaped particle lingers,
like a goodbye kiss...
Yet another moment is behind,
So I hold up my hand to align you with my iris
Because we are running out of time
And in a flash, the last of that sweet existence rolls through my fingers.

falling



falling



falling, I never imagined the end like this.
























plop....












And away you went... my childhood bliss.


The floor beneath me is stained now, in memory of you.
So I sit on the ground, colored with your ivory subtle blue
Humming the song you gave to me, I pretend you are singing too.

explosions

Over and over and over and I feel like an old, used up broken record.
The rotten scum somehow always rises from the bottom and makes its way to the top, engulfing everything in its path. But what have I done to stop it?
flicker to flame,
flame to fire,
fire to explosion,
explosion to fire,
fire to flame,
flame to flicker,
flicker to flame,
flame to fire,
fire to explosion,
explosion to fire,
fire to flame,
flame to flicker,
flicker to flame,
flame to fire,
fire to explosion,
explosion to fire,
fire to flame,
flame to flicker,

its gonna hurt.
but the cycle has to stop.
because in the end, the light goes out
and I cannot remember what it looked like in the first place.
must've been illusions all along.

365 Days

A year ago, I was different.
365 days later, things have changed; things have grown, things have died... people have grown, people have died.
I have watched a part of myself deteriorate into nothingness.. and that is what we are really afraid of isn't it? The nothing[ness]? The worst pain in the world, that parasite of being numb; that of feeling nothing, that horrible day when you realize that you are not happy, you are not sad, you are not filled with rage but you are numb, comfortably numb.

But I suppose that in this very moment I do see something.. I do feel something.
I feel the vast empty slip itself into my pores and settle like its gonna be there for a while.
I know the name of my invader, I know all too well its agenda, all its plans to hurt and steal what is mine, what I have loved for so long.
365 days later, the last morsels of my childhood dissapate, and here I am, babbling on and on, mourning the loss.
I used to feel like I had it all, and one year ago I did..I think. One year ago I was a senior in highschool, I poured my efforts into the yearbook publication of which I was extremely proud. I had a wonderful boyfriend and we were in love.
Thank God for that.. thank God for love.
I made the grades, the nightlife was my life and the world was a white pearl, mine for the taking.
But somewhere in that year long abyss, on that road that I have traveled stretching the miles between who I was and who I am, I shed that innocent skin.
I guess it's not so bad, I guess everyone goes through it at some point or another right?
So where does this leave me? Who am I now?
This is my problem to figure out. This is my disease to cure.
I know this, but I can't help but reach out for answers.
Maybe its not answers I am looking for at all though. Maybe I am just reaching out to see if anyone will take my hands.

So losing love and childhood and innocence and trying to cope with it all, and learning from mistakes, and finding God, and trying to discover who I am inside are all things I am doing... which is making me who I am today I suppose. Right?
Because what are we without these experiences?
Nothing. We base our steps forward on the steps we have already taken; experiences and memories prove we exist. They are the metaphysical link between being nothing and existing.
And "nothing" is an awful thing to be.

As for the drug induced revelations... I can not tell whether they have helped or hindered the process. Ignorance is bliss but God knows I don't want to be ignorant. Since traveling... my emotions are heightened and my outlook on life enlightened.
My mind was closed until I forced it open.
Have you ever cried in the name of beauty?
Have you ever felt such a deep connection with nature and people that you realize you are all one in the same?
There is nothing like that moment friends... when you are in tune with, and truly feel every living thing around you.
But now that I have seen all that I have wanted to see, am I more lost than when I began?
I can not go back home, that house where love resides is but a memory lost in time.
I fear I have strayed too far.
I fear I have lost myself to the oblivion.
365 days later, and I am slowly fading away...

Alive

Wind my life a little tighter
The sight of you brings out the fighter in me
Pass right through me like last summer
I want to watch the sun feed through the leaves
I've got a soul that will roam forever
Does infinity bring you to your knees?
Can you learn to love to wonder?
Are oceans in my eyes all that you see?
Come alive
Come alive
Soul deprived
Come alive
I'd kill myself to live one minute
To have a dream and exist within it
To change your life with the touch of my hand
Is to believe in a person that I don't understand.
Will you come away with me?
And discover what we are suppose to be?
We are just playing our part in the human race
But when I look for meaning will I see your face?