Sleepless

I cant sleep.
I'm too hyped up on wine, weed, sex and art to calm down.
And I kinda like it.

Tomorrow

As for tomorrow I am uncertain.
I pray the sun wakes so I may draw back the curtain
However.
If the darkness chooses to stay
May my faith remain close and my demons at bay.

The Meadow

I went to a meadow once
And within it found a fallen tree.
I went to a meadow once
And within it found a fallen me.

Surprises

A kiss from a stranger, a few days ago
In a place I now wish to be.
Another chapter, another twist
For a page in the book
Of my fantasy.

Motionless

The burdens I bear, I call by name
Embellished in loss
Clothed in shame:
Lust
Addiction
Anger
Despair
Eyes wide open to the future
But with an empty stare.
The life I lead reaps self perpetuating pain
I've strayed so far from whence I came
A slave I am and shall remain.

It is the internal itch you cannot scratch,
It is the hunger inside you
It is the desire for all your dreams to hatch
It is the restlessness in moments before they do
It is the hope of all return
It is the reason why you are.
It is the place where passion churns
It is the fall before the scar.
It is the reach you extend so far, out of faith, in the dark.
It is for all these reasons
That you only feel,
That you know you have a purpose
That you know God is real.

The moonlit path

When you walk that moonlit path
Will you retreat from the dark?
Or never come back?

Beauty

"Beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is an eternity gazing at itself in the mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror."
-The Prophet

THIS is why I write:

To relive the joy
To ease the pain
To materialize the thought
To find the spark
To light the flame
To fire my heart
To feel alive
To feel at all
To scream my diary
To answer my call
To talk to God
To speak the truth
To capture the moments of my youth
To let it go
To keep hanging on
To find some right in all the wrong
I do NOT write to censor or to please
I write for me and only me, no matter how beautiful or ugly it may be.
Toning it down I will never do, I will lose control today tomorrow and the days after them too.

20

I am 20 and tired.
Most days I go to work wishing to be fired.
I thought by now I'd have it all, thought life would be exciting, thought the world would be small.
But everyday I open my eyes to the clock
And wish I were someplace else.
I know about enjoying the now...
And I do. Really I do.
I know that I'm still young and need to stay in school and stay grounded an keep my jobs and not spend so much money and find a guy who wears suitesandput makeupon andiknowthis I knowthis but it can feel so wrong.
Can't help but think that now is the time for the appalacian trail
By the time I have the money I'll be too frail my zest may fail..
I want Hawaii while I've got this body
Not when I retire, not when the color has left my cheeks.
What if the Georgia peach doesn't taste as sweet after years of wanting air beneath my feet?
I want to start a revival so that I may be revived.
I wish not to be 20 and tired,
But 20 and alive.

More like a woman, less like a child

It was one of those mornings.
The kind that catches you off guard.
The kind that makes you realize that no other morning will ever be the same
After this one.

Because
It was one of those mornings
That you gawked in disbelief at the face in the mirror.
And then realized it was your own.

You are a woman now.

Monday

You woke up late for work,
ran to your car and realized..
Oh no.
You forgot to brush your teeth.
Too bad, the seconds are ticking closer together now.
Shove a piece of gum in your mouth.
You gun it.

The sun glares down and you glare back, and the phone starts ringing.
It keeps on, that incessant tune.
Remember what the chiropractor said about
Clenching the steering wheel not your teeth.
It's that guy your in love with.
Great.
But As round one of the fight commences,
As you press the pad of your foot to that pedal
With more and more violence,
Something makes you stop mid-scream.

There are blue and red lights reflecting in your rear view mirror.
And you know then,
The government is going to screw you too.

Put a sea shell to your ear

I've died trying to ride a wave far too steep,
But nobody really cares to see these waters run deep.
So goodnight sea of faces, I'm turning out the lights.
I'm closing my eyes and relinquishing this fight
Want to find out how it feels to be quenched of breath?
Ask a woman caught in the blue cascade of death.

His name was Ryan

Came outside and saw him there
With dark brown skin and dark brown hair.

Strumming on his guitar he smiled at me
So I shook his hand and took a seat.

Early in the morning the sky was gray
But we found the sunshine in the middle of the day.

With a few kind words and a genuine smile,
"That mans got soul," I thought. "And a teaspoon of style!"

Then the music moved from his strings to his heart
And I knew without a doubt a jive would start.

So I flowed with his beat and let it in my heart too,
Then out came the words of a song I already knew.

He was buying the stairway to Heaven I could see it in his eyes
And when he stopped playing he told me to cut all my ties.

But the time was running out and with a reluctant stare,
I said "you should stop trying to buy that stairway, your already there."

Then I got into my car and left him in the sun
And wished that all my advances in society would just
Come UNDONE. 

Imagine

Close your eyes.
Pretend your not sitting
Slumped over, eyes glazed and slightly hazed.
Pretend your not doing things you never
Wanted to do.
Stop taking those notes.
Stop listening to her ramble lifelessly.
Tune into yourself...

Ne te quaesiveris extra

Imagine a world...
Where one never does what one does not want to do.
Where every moment lives up to exactly what it's meant to be;
A world where we never leave the Garden.
A world that bows with ecstasy and rejoices in life
And that, in the afterglow of love, never once gives a reason to depart.
Drift to that place, when you can.. when you need to.
You know you've only got a while though
And now you must leave.

Now lust and anger and loss will slip themselves
Into that world, through cracks you'll never see
And you will open your eyes
Not to pillows of lavender but to
Reality.
And you will forget that place until something or someone
Gives you a reason to visit again.

But don't fret over this.
The world you have imagined will remain
That way, still framed and timeless.
And what is real will be felt and not thought
And when you one day go back to that perfection,
And warm thoughts overcome you
You will be awed.
Not because it is beautiful,
But because of all the times you spent in the cold.

I've Got a Feeling

Feeling a little disconnected with God
Feeling a little too connected with the clock.
Feeling Your presence tonight helped me forget
Feeling alone.

Feeling around in the dark until I find myself
Feeling something real.
Feeling the distance between the two is like the
Feeling of waking up afraid.

Feeling like I've got a
Feeling that there's something out there beyond
Feeling empty inside.
Feeling compelled to tell the truth while
Feeling the weight of a lie, makes it hard to feel  much of anything, yet
Feeling my way around the dark is the only way to recognize the
Feeling of Your light.

Taste of Love

It's midnight and the air is ours to share
You look at me,
I talk to you,
Tonight we are young,
Tonight we are free,
Tonight we can be anyone we want to be
There is a God i know.
He picked me a taste of beauty from life's peach tree,
I relish the colors of your eyes and softness of your kiss

This is gonna linger through the season
On the quick of my tongue and the back of my lips.

Visitor in the sheets

God, I hope I'm okay.
Because I'm wincing in my sheets right now
Wondering why
It's so cold and how
Loneliness crept its way into
The bed with me and if when
I fall asleep tonight the dream scape
Will reveal all the times I tried
To keep it out.

Bad Case of the Mondays

Well its December 26th
Work starts tomorrow.
Monday again so soon?
I thought we'd said goodbye...

It may be selfish but,
When I was a child I used to believe that
When I die Mondays will stop.
Mondays, will die too.
And everyone will feel a little
Different than they did before.
Everyone will shut their eyes when I do,
Lie down in the earth and cease to be
With me.

Truth is the only thing being an adult
Got me was the sense to understand
That life will never stop.
Even after I go.
And the people will open their eyes to the sunshine
Of another Monday.

Amidst the Creator: 2

As I exhaled I said sorry
To Him.
My lashes flutter once
Before they close.
Uncertain but
At peace.

After ten minutes,
I opened those lashes like
One might draw back the
Curtain for one last look
at something they lost.

"What are they?"
"This is Me."
And for twenty minutes,
The Heavens were all that I could see.