explosions

Over and over and over and I feel like an old, used up broken record.
The rotten scum somehow always rises from the bottom and makes its way to the top, engulfing everything in its path. But what have I done to stop it?
flicker to flame,
flame to fire,
fire to explosion,
explosion to fire,
fire to flame,
flame to flicker,
flicker to flame,
flame to fire,
fire to explosion,
explosion to fire,
fire to flame,
flame to flicker,
flicker to flame,
flame to fire,
fire to explosion,
explosion to fire,
fire to flame,
flame to flicker,

its gonna hurt.
but the cycle has to stop.
because in the end, the light goes out
and I cannot remember what it looked like in the first place.
must've been illusions all along.

If I Were...

If I were a star I would be a shooting one
If I were a planet I would be jupiter
If I were the weather I would be a thunderstorm
If I were continent I would be north america
If I were a state I would california
If I were a tree I would be a weeping willow
If I were a fruit I would be a strawberry
If I were a color I would be green
If I were a song I would be Forever Young
If I were a mood I would be happy
If I were an emotion I would be love
If I were a noise I would be laughter
If I were a flower I would be orange kush
If I were a direction I would be left
If I were a shape I would be a circle
If I were a season I would be summer
If I were an animal I would be a squirrel
If I were a hobby I would be painting
If I were a person I would be Heather Lusk :]

Emancipation of Deterioration

Tease my ears
memories begin to play, 
Ease my tears
And watch childhood decay.
Follow that windy road
That lead you to me
Feel my lips corrode
Under the willow tree.
Don't be afraid of death
Walk backwards silently
Growing love digressed
A lover's last decree
Let go this deterioration
Love of mine, be free.

365 Days

A year ago, I was different.
365 days later, things have changed; things have grown, things have died... people have grown, people have died.
I have watched a part of myself deteriorate into nothingness.. and that is what we are really afraid of isn't it? The nothing[ness]? The worst pain in the world, that parasite of being numb; that of feeling nothing, that horrible day when you realize that you are not happy, you are not sad, you are not filled with rage but you are numb, comfortably numb.

But I suppose that in this very moment I do see something.. I do feel something.
I feel the vast empty slip itself into my pores and settle like its gonna be there for a while.
I know the name of my invader, I know all too well its agenda, all its plans to hurt and steal what is mine, what I have loved for so long.
365 days later, the last morsels of my childhood dissapate, and here I am, babbling on and on, mourning the loss.
I used to feel like I had it all, and one year ago I did..I think. One year ago I was a senior in highschool, I poured my efforts into the yearbook publication of which I was extremely proud. I had a wonderful boyfriend and we were in love.
Thank God for that.. thank God for love.
I made the grades, the nightlife was my life and the world was a white pearl, mine for the taking.
But somewhere in that year long abyss, on that road that I have traveled stretching the miles between who I was and who I am, I shed that innocent skin.
I guess it's not so bad, I guess everyone goes through it at some point or another right?
So where does this leave me? Who am I now?
This is my problem to figure out. This is my disease to cure.
I know this, but I can't help but reach out for answers.
Maybe its not answers I am looking for at all though. Maybe I am just reaching out to see if anyone will take my hands.

So losing love and childhood and innocence and trying to cope with it all, and learning from mistakes, and finding God, and trying to discover who I am inside are all things I am doing... which is making me who I am today I suppose. Right?
Because what are we without these experiences?
Nothing. We base our steps forward on the steps we have already taken; experiences and memories prove we exist. They are the metaphysical link between being nothing and existing.
And "nothing" is an awful thing to be.

As for the drug induced revelations... I can not tell whether they have helped or hindered the process. Ignorance is bliss but God knows I don't want to be ignorant. Since traveling... my emotions are heightened and my outlook on life enlightened.
My mind was closed until I forced it open.
Have you ever cried in the name of beauty?
Have you ever felt such a deep connection with nature and people that you realize you are all one in the same?
There is nothing like that moment friends... when you are in tune with, and truly feel every living thing around you.
But now that I have seen all that I have wanted to see, am I more lost than when I began?
I can not go back home, that house where love resides is but a memory lost in time.
I fear I have strayed too far.
I fear I have lost myself to the oblivion.
365 days later, and I am slowly fading away...

Alive

Wind my life a little tighter
The sight of you brings out the fighter in me
Pass right through me like last summer
I want to watch the sun feed through the leaves
I've got a soul that will roam forever
Does infinity bring you to your knees?
Can you learn to love to wonder?
Are oceans in my eyes all that you see?
Come alive
Come alive
Soul deprived
Come alive
I'd kill myself to live one minute
To have a dream and exist within it
To change your life with the touch of my hand
Is to believe in a person that I don't understand.
Will you come away with me?
And discover what we are suppose to be?
We are just playing our part in the human race
But when I look for meaning will I see your face?

Empty glasses

Dust settles in the crevices of your brain
Your fingers snap when ran through the wires on your head.
Eyes that hollowed years ago because
Someone slurped the color from them with a straw, yes
Someone sent you to Hell.
And somebody else watched you as you went there,
And they still do.

Somewhere a heart beats in the distance,
It echoes inside your empty glasses
Rattle
Rattle.
Clink
Clink.

A child silent at a window,
A woman thoughtless in the dark.

A reason to believe

I have spent years going back and forth on the concept of religion.
With so many to choose from, how does one know for certain that their belief is truth?
There is a chance that we are all wrong, there is a chance that we simply turn to dust after our hearts have stopped beating; there is no after life; we are here and then one day we are not.
But what if there is? And how should we prepare for it?
These things I ponder in my sheets at night, when no one is around to listen to my thoughts... when I find myself alone inside my head.
A few days ago however I had a revelation, an epiphany some would call it.
This thought came into my mind at a time that I least expected it to; maybe it stemmed from desperation, or the cracks in my heart. Maybe it was God himself who sent it to me.
Either way, what I stumbled upon was something truly profound: a reason to believe.
Maybe I am not the first to find this out, but I found these reasonings myself, therefore I hold it sacred.

-
He rested his head on my lap as i ran my fingers through his hair. By now I have seen every freckel, every shadow of perfection and every wrinkle on his face.
We said nothing, but we were thinking the same thought. It hovered above us for hours that day, the simple understanding that what we had was gone, and that even together we were both alone.
We know the feeling of love, and what it was like to love one another so blindly... maybe that is why it was so hard to let go.
We were both afraid of falling, but there was nothing left to hold on too. With every hate filled word that exited our mouths and entered our souls we broke a little bit more inside, until one day, the peices were swept under the rug and made to collect follicles of dead skin and fibers in the air that no one really sees or cares about.
Yet it was in this defining moment, as i slid my fingers through his curls and felt the salty tears run down his face, that I found the evidence of Gods existance I had been searching so restlessly for.
Love.
The pure, wonderful and tangible notion of love, is enough for me to believe in a higher power.
Love is something metaphysical, something we cannot smell, or touch, or see. It is complex in every way, we do not choose who we "fall in love" with and who we do not.
But one day, when we least expect it, we meet a person that is different from every other person we have interacted with, and immense feelings overcome us, that we can not control, and can not explain, but we enjoy it nonetheless. Every single second of it.
Love is something mankind can not create, and certainly something no matter how hard we try, can not destroy.
It is not scientifically explainable, and holds no secret code we can write down and repeat, but we have all felt it at one point or another and know that it does in fact exist, with out a sliver of doubt we do believe in love.
Why do I hold this as proof that God exists?
Because I have to believe in something.
Because otherwise, everything I have done in this life, everything that you and I have worked for has been in vain.
I have to, in order to hold human life as sacred and important, believe that we were put on this earth for something else than to live and die.
Love my friends, is the proof that we are not alone.
Every good thing, every act of kindness, every shred of light in this dark world is all made possible because God has given us the single most wonderful thing in this entire world.
Love.
Though it strikes me as odd that I found this theory at a moment when love had collapsed in my life, when depression and heartbreak had overrun my thoughts and left me dead and alone, it helps to believe that maybe God knew I would find comfort in knowing he is with me.
That even through our darkest hours, we can find him.
We can know love.

The final "Good night"

This is the last Christmas.
A year from now she'll be'a settling
In the stomach of some wormy insect.
She'll be silent in the ground.
I think I'll wrap her up a boomerang...
This time next year it'll be coming back around.

I wonder how she'll go...
How all her beginnings will meet their end...
Will she simply shut her eyes with lids of snow?
Will she leave like my uncle
Screaming, clawing, trying to
Take me with her?
Will I have the heart to tell her no...?

If it be me that holds her hands in those final few,
It will be me that feels the slight breeze on my cheek
From her last exhale.
It will be me that watches her fleshy skin descend
From peach to pale.
If it be me, I can gaurantee, the inquisitive wretch I am,
I will bore myself in her eyes.
I will know exactly who she see's when
Her truths are compared to her lies.

So Merry Christmas!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
One less gift under the fucking tree.

Understanding the metaphysical world

Metaphysics Link

- To understand life completely and wholly, one can look to a world beyond material reality.

Shades of Green

We were children once upon a time, running through valleys of purple flowers and bright blue skies
We were painters not so long ago and together we discovered the art of love
What we are now; what we have become is the result of emotional decisions, and the lack thereof
Grass stains are on my sheets tonight
I found comfort dreaming next to many shades of green.
Nothing could have kept us children, but as my innocence slipped through your fingers and fell to the earth,
I knew I was growing older.
I still find you in memories, the boy I knew rolled down a grass hill until his heart was still, so I buried his bones in my head.
Vibrance fades with every wash, but these blue eyes are wonderful to watch it happen through.
And one day, I too will become silent... and no one will keep my hollowed remains,
But I will tell our story in the sheets marked with  shades of green, and blood stains.