20

I am 20 and tired.
Most days I go to work wishing to be fired.
I thought by now I'd have it all, thought life would be exciting, thought the world would be small.
But everyday I open my eyes to the clock
And wish I were someplace else.
I know about enjoying the now...
And I do. Really I do.
I know that I'm still young and need to stay in school and stay grounded an keep my jobs and not spend so much money and find a guy who wears suitesandput makeupon andiknowthis I knowthis but it can feel so wrong.
Can't help but think that now is the time for the appalacian trail
By the time I have the money I'll be too frail my zest may fail..
I want Hawaii while I've got this body
Not when I retire, not when the color has left my cheeks.
What if the Georgia peach doesn't taste as sweet after years of wanting air beneath my feet?
I want to start a revival so that I may be revived.
I wish not to be 20 and tired,
But 20 and alive.

Refresh, re-energize, re-do. My new beginning documented.

This is not a new years resolution, though a resolution it may be. Lately life has been, dull to say the least. I am no longer connected with myself. Who am I? Who was I born to be? Who do I want to become? I am no longer in tune with God... How did it all happen? Over the course of this year I've focused on lesser things in life, kept myself preoccupied with daily to do's and I am feeling so unbalanced now, my yin is off, my yang is gone. Peace, has not come to comfort me in a while, my happiness, that is so unfailing seems to be less. It's still there yes, but in a duller, more muted form.
So I began a few weeks ago, thinking back to times when I felt balanced... When I was one with God. Yes. When I ate healthier. Yes. When I didn't smoke so much pot. Yes. When I wrote poetry. Yes! When I cared about how I spent my money. Yes. When I did yoga. Yes. When I said yes more than I said no. Yes!!
I'm really tired of the up and down. I want to get back on board with who I am again, an this time not be so easily thrown off. For when the waves of dillision hit me hard, I want to hit them back. I want to ride the tide. I want to be the commander of the sea.
Retrospect. It is a beautiful thing.
So this leaves me here, in the now. The beginning of the road. It's mid august, today is nothing special unless I make it something special. Today I start my journey on The road to spiritual, emotional, physical, financial, and intellectual peace. I am going to focus on regaining my life and happiness back. I am ready to fulfill my mission on this earth, ready to change, and ready to experience life at it's full capacity. I want things to be different from
now on. I dont want to gain everything just to lose it all again... This time i have to move past the bull shit for good, its time to be a woman. I hope I'm strong enough.