365 Days

A year ago, I was different.
365 days later, things have changed; things have grown, things have died... people have grown, people have died.
I have watched a part of myself deteriorate into nothingness.. and that is what we are really afraid of isn't it? The nothing[ness]? The worst pain in the world, that parasite of being numb; that of feeling nothing, that horrible day when you realize that you are not happy, you are not sad, you are not filled with rage but you are numb, comfortably numb.

But I suppose that in this very moment I do see something.. I do feel something.
I feel the vast empty slip itself into my pores and settle like its gonna be there for a while.
I know the name of my invader, I know all too well its agenda, all its plans to hurt and steal what is mine, what I have loved for so long.
365 days later, the last morsels of my childhood dissapate, and here I am, babbling on and on, mourning the loss.
I used to feel like I had it all, and one year ago I did..I think. One year ago I was a senior in highschool, I poured my efforts into the yearbook publication of which I was extremely proud. I had a wonderful boyfriend and we were in love.
Thank God for that.. thank God for love.
I made the grades, the nightlife was my life and the world was a white pearl, mine for the taking.
But somewhere in that year long abyss, on that road that I have traveled stretching the miles between who I was and who I am, I shed that innocent skin.
I guess it's not so bad, I guess everyone goes through it at some point or another right?
So where does this leave me? Who am I now?
This is my problem to figure out. This is my disease to cure.
I know this, but I can't help but reach out for answers.
Maybe its not answers I am looking for at all though. Maybe I am just reaching out to see if anyone will take my hands.

So losing love and childhood and innocence and trying to cope with it all, and learning from mistakes, and finding God, and trying to discover who I am inside are all things I am doing... which is making me who I am today I suppose. Right?
Because what are we without these experiences?
Nothing. We base our steps forward on the steps we have already taken; experiences and memories prove we exist. They are the metaphysical link between being nothing and existing.
And "nothing" is an awful thing to be.

As for the drug induced revelations... I can not tell whether they have helped or hindered the process. Ignorance is bliss but God knows I don't want to be ignorant. Since traveling... my emotions are heightened and my outlook on life enlightened.
My mind was closed until I forced it open.
Have you ever cried in the name of beauty?
Have you ever felt such a deep connection with nature and people that you realize you are all one in the same?
There is nothing like that moment friends... when you are in tune with, and truly feel every living thing around you.
But now that I have seen all that I have wanted to see, am I more lost than when I began?
I can not go back home, that house where love resides is but a memory lost in time.
I fear I have strayed too far.
I fear I have lost myself to the oblivion.
365 days later, and I am slowly fading away...